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All thoughts and feelings associated with the cascade of missing someone are negative thought patterns and actually push you further away from them. On the other hand, positive memories with someone — that make you laugh, smile, or feel warm and fuzzy — also establish the feeling of love, but they help create a bond and result in a cascade of positive thoughts and emotions.
Each of us desires to remember someone or something from time to time. But, rather than let your memories control you and your state of mind, I’ll suggest you use your initial memory as an ‘anchor’ to channel all the fun and positive experiences you’ve shared. Here’s an example that’s on my mind right now:
I just arrived to Seattle on a 23 hour layover. My brother and his family live here, but my brother isn’t in town today. I’m excited to see my sister in-law, niece, and nephew. Yet, since my brother isn’t here, my mind immediately went to the last time I was in Seattle without my brother; it was with my childhood best buddy, Joe Scodari, who is no longer with us.
My initial reaction was to think of Joe and smile on the memory of being with him; but, then I was hit with sadness and the feeling of 1,000 pounds on my shoulders. As I started to miss him, my mind became foggy, and the chills that were running down my spine a minute earlier disappeared.
Yet, before I went too far down the rabbit hole, I remembered this lesson used the cues of ‘Joe’ and ‘Seattle’ to bring back the rest of the memory. We drove down the northwest coast of the United States together, listened to a good chunk of Joe’s music library (and boy did he know music!), arrived in Napa Valley for a friend’s wedding, and had the absolute best time laughing and joking about our childhood with the rest of our friends who were there.
The chills came back. In fact, they are here now as I write about him and these memories. I feel happy, satisfied, and grateful. The warmth I feel inside my body is lovely, and it feels like Joe is right here enjoying the moment with me.
So, I have a choice: focus on the negative (Joe is no longer alive) or focus on the positive (some of the best memories of my entire life are with Joe).
If I want to share these memories with Joe — or even if my motivation is simply to avoid feeling sad and depressed — I choose the happy memories. If I want to feel lousy and make it harder to remember Joe, I can choose to focus on his death and how much it sucks he’s no longer here to hang out and form new memories together.
Ask yourself which option you prefer: sadness or happiness, and then make a decision.
I’m so grateful for you,
